


Walk a Mile in his Shoes

by Draycevixen



Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Bodyswap, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-26
Updated: 2011-03-26
Packaged: 2017-10-17 07:25:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/174348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draycevixen/pseuds/Draycevixen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you can follow the last bit of this 	without resulting to Venn diagramming I’ll owe you some virtual pink wafers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Walk a Mile in his Shoes

.

“Ray!”

Ray didn’t even raise his eyes from page 3 of _The Sun_.

“Not now Chris, can’t you see I’m busy?”

“Ray.” Chris tugged on Ray’s feet that were propped up on his desk. “You don’t want to miss this. Summat’s up with the Boss, think maybe he’s pissed.”

Ray’s head shot up.

Framed in the doorway of CID, Sam was a vision of loveliness in a hideous orange and pink striped skin-tight shirt unbuttoned half-way down his chest. A medallion three times the size of his usual St. Christopher glinted and shifted against his smooth chest as he nodded and smiled at everyone.

“Wait ‘til the Guv sees him.” Ray glanced over, gratified to see Gene glaring through the window of his office.

Sure that he now had everyone’s undivided attention, Sam minced across the room toward his desk.

“He looks like he’s messed himself.”

“Quiet Ray, he’ll hear you.”

As Sam executed an overly elaborate pirouette behind his desk, throwing his arms wide and thrusting his hips forward, Ray wolf whistled at him.

Sam sat down laughing. He picked up the neatly stacked files from his desk top and hugged them tightly to his chest, rubbing his face into them. “I bloody love you,” he stage whispered.

“If those files were a bird, I wouldn’t know where to look,” Chris whispered to Ray.

“TYLER! My office, now!”

Every head turned to see Gene standing in his office doorway, resplendent in a navy suit, crisp white shirt and an immaculately pressed grey tie. Every hair on his head was carefully combed and swept back from his face. Even his sideburns were noticeably shorter.

Sam slowly rose to his feet and trotted daintily over to Gene, who grabbed him by the arm and threw him into his office.

“What did you do to me side—” The door slammed closed blocking out the rest of Sam’s words.

 

Of course, CID now watched the show in progress through the window.

Sam raised a hand to the side of Gene’s head.

Ray took it upon himself to suggest appropriate dialogue. “You’ve got to think for me Guv, I’m such a twonk!”

Gene pushed Sam’s hand away. Gene picked up Sam’s manhole cover sized medallion and let it slap back against Sam’s chest.

“You’re in Manchester now Tyler, not poncey bleeding Hyde.”

Sam turned his hands up and outward.

“I’m Tinkerbell.”

Sam poked Gene hard in the chest.

“Why can’t I be butch like you, Guv?”

Gene pointed toward Chris and Ray.

“Why can’t you even be as butch as them, Tyler?”

Sam moved to the window and stared, fists clenching.

“But I’ll never be man enough to grow a moustache like that.”

Chris got up and headed speedily for the exit. Sam turned quickly to open Gene’s office door, but Gene grabbed him by the collar and yanked him back in.

Lots of gesticulating and shouting gave way to the usual shoving and then the inevitable punching began in earnest. With that, CID shrugged to a man and returned to business as usual.

***

Later, Sam went to look for Gene in the canteen. He was surprised to find him surrounded by Gwen and most of the WPCs. Annie even had a comforting arm thrown around Gene’s shoulders. Gene looked up and smiled at Sam, before turning back to Annie.

“And then, when Oliver said ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry,’ I couldn’t help myself. I cried like a baby.”

***

Mid-morning found Sam, Ray and Chris camped out around Sam’s desk drinking tea and eating Garibaldis.

Gene returned from the canteen in time to hear Sam’s final comment at the end of a lively debate about football.

“Y’know Ray, the more I think it about it, you’re right. United really are a bunch of fairies.”

***

Gene stormed out of his office, smacked Sam’s feet off his desk and started yelling at his team.

“All of these files on your desks need to be sorted and re-filed. Tyler here will take personal charge of organizing the project, won’t you Tyler?”

***

“Guv come quick, I think Phyllis has killed the Boss!”

Gene followed Chris to the charge desk, where Sam was knocked out cold on the floor.

“What happened here, Phyllis?”

“Suicidal bastard pinched me arse, Guv.”

***

“Tyler. You’re in charge. I’ve got to do some shopping,” Gene called over his shoulder as he barrelled out of the doors of CID.

“You’ve got to do some _what?_ ” Sam shouted after him, unable to navigate around Ray, Chris and the piles of files fast enough to catch up, only getting outside in time to see Gene speeding away in the Cortina.

***

Gene walked back in to CID after lunch just in time to see Sam standing on his desk, performing “I’m Just a Girl Who Can’t Say No” complete with high kicks and inappropriate hand gestures. Gene did _not_ lead the resulting standing ovation.

***

The pub, much to everyone’s relief, seemed to put everything back on an even keel. Beer was drunk, darts thrown and dirty jokes traded.

“I’ll get the next round in.”

At those words, the table fell silent while everyone stared in amazement at the Guv. He had swung toward Ray, digging deeply into his pocket for money, when his trouser leg ripped wide open.

“Fucking hell,” Ray gasped.

Sam whipped around to see Gene’s trouser leg flapping open to mid-thigh, revealing black fishnet stockings hooked to a red silk suspender belt.

Gene slowly pulled his trouser leg back up, grinning from ear to ear.

“Thought I’d surprise the Missus. I’m wearing the matching knickers too. I like the way the silk feels against me todger and—”

Sam stepped in front of Gene, cutting him off and blocking any further view of unearthly delights from Ray and Chris.

“The Guv’s just joking of course... We… had a… bet and the Guv lost, so he had to wear that kit under his trousers today.”

Ray and Chris nodded like noddy-dogs, all too eager to accept Sam’s explanation.

“As I said, my round…”

“No, I’m buying.” Sam dropped money on to the table. “I’m taking the Guv home so he can change his clothes.”

***

“And I said, get you skinny—” Sam stopped speaking abruptly as Ray and Chris came out of the pub.

Ray couldn’t believe his eyes. Sam had Gene backed up against the wall, arm pressed across his windpipe. Taking advantage of the distraction, Gene pushed Sam backward so he bounced off the Cortina.

“Watch out for the paintwork,” Sam snarled. He stared at Ray and Chris for a beat and then started moving toward them.

“Tyler! You promised.”

As Gene spoke, Sam stopped dead in his tracks and then turned back to Gene.

“Give me the keys.” He held out his hand to Gene.

“Bloody hell boss, you don’t really think—”

Whatever else Ray was going to say was lost in astonishment as Gene handed the car keys to Sam.

“I’ve had a bit much to drink Ray.” Gene moved to the passenger door. “See you both tomorrow. And Chris, if you don’t want... Tyler here to feed you your balls you best get this sorted. I made him promise not to kill you… yet.”

“Right B… Guv. I’ll speak to me Gram.”

As the Cortina sped away, Ray turned to Chris.

“What was that about?”

“D’you remember the flowers, Ray?”

Ray slid his hand slowly across Chris’s arse. “You know I do.”

“Well I decided it were time to make good use of me being a witch.”

Ray’s other hand moved to cup Chris’s crotch. “I thought the flowers were a bloody brilliant use of your powers.”

“I tried a spell to help the Guv and the Boss to see things each other’s way. It went wrong. The Boss knows it were me and he told the Guv.”

Ray withdrew his hands. “How _exactly_ does Tyler know about your powers, Chris?”

“Erm… I told him about them. The Boss is smart. Thought he might have an idea about how to help me control it a bit better. Tired of ending up drowning in flowers.”

“Right then.” Ray stepped back. “Let’s go back to mine. I feel like plucking you.”

***

The door to Gene’s house flew open under the weight of Gene’s body as Sam hurled him into the hallway. History repeated itself, as Sam pinned Gene against the wall, left arm across his windpipe.

“S’all your bloody fault.” Sam whipped his right fist back and punched Gene hard in the gut. “I know it is.”

“How d’you come to that stunning conclusion, Tyler?” Gene gasped.

Sam punched him again. “Skelton couldn’t find his own arse if he used both hands. You must have given him the idea.” Sam shook his fist out like he’d hurt himself. “And stop calling me Tyler. There’s nobody else here to hear us and if you keep calling me Tyler I might just start believing it and I’m not some poncey nancy boy from bleeding Hyde no matter what tosser’s mincing little body I happen to be wearing right now!”

Gene threw both his hands up in surrender and Sam backed off, walking up and down the hallway.

“What’s with the pacing, Tyl— _Guv?_ ”

“Dunno. This body of yours is a lot more jumpy than mine. Tough to make the bloody thing stand still.”

Gene moved away from the wall. “I’ve been craving cigarettes all day and I’ve never smoked. I decided to take your body for a run this morning to distract it from the cravings.”

“You stupid bugger! You took _my_ body out for a run? Lucky it didn’t drop dead of a heart attack on you.”

“No chance of that. Only got as far as the end of your street and had to turn around and stagger home. Just how old are you? You need to quit the smoking and eat better. Some good exercise and—”

“Shut it, Gladys. I’m more interested in what you thought you were doing shaving me sideburns off. Just cos you’ve got no sense of style I—”

“I didn’t mean to do it, just force of habit when I was shaving this morning. Bloody odd shaving someone else’s face with someone else’s hands. You’re lucky you didn’t lose an ear or get your throat cut.”

“Now there’s a right charming thought.”

“Well you’re the one who came swanning in to work dressed like I was one of Andy Fi’s rent boys.”

“Just thought I’d try your body out a bit more—”

“ _A bit more?_ You didn’t—”

“Some of the newer fashions, like. I was curious about how you manage to breathe in these trousers. Turns out having your skinny little arse helps.” Sam moved his hands to cup his own arse.

“Please don’t do that, Guv.”

Sam dropped his hands. “Well you’re the one got the plonks thinking I’m a fairy with that _Love Story_ tripe.”

“How d’you know it was _Love Story_ I was talking about anyway?”

Sam clenched his fists and glared.

“Right, best not ask. Women like a man who’s sensitive, Guv. A few of them seemed right interested in you afterward.” Gene pulled out some scraps of papers with numbers written on them and dropped them on the hall table. “Anyway, did you have to kiss Phyllis? I’m lucky she didn’t surgically implant her shoe up my arse.”

“You got off lucky. I was going to kiss Litton but decided I couldn’t make myself do it even using your lips.”

Sam walked into the living room and Gene followed him. Sam stopped dead and stared at the room.

“Why’s my house so clean?”

“Didn’t have anything to do here last night so thought I’d tidy up a bit, what with your wife being gone.”

“You couldn’t just drink my beer and watch the footie like any normal bloke?”

“Things are hardly normal, Guv. I was sat here wearing your fat arse—”

“Careful!”

“Inhabiting the body of the larger than life magnificent bastard, Gene Hunt—”

“Better!”

“And I had to distract myself from thinking about it. Cleaning relaxes me.”

“Ponce!”

“What d’you do at my place?”

“Drank your whisky and played with your toys.”

“I don’t have any toys.”

“Could’ve fooled me.” Sam brushed one hand lightly across his crotch.

“Christ, tell me you didn’t, Guv?”

“Call it scientific research, Tyler. Wondered how a skinny runt like you could get enough blood into a thing this size to get it hard without passing out.”

“Feeling me up when I wasn’t at home to enjoy it.”

“What was that, Tyler?”

“Said you’re quite the scientist.”

“Well your place is boring.”

“You’re the one who insisted that we swap houses too, so no one would know what’s going on.”

“Well, I hadn’t thought it through.”

Gene shrugged out of his coat, throwing it over the back of the couch, revealing the damage to his trousers again.

“You owe me a pair of trousers and all, Tyler. Still don’t know how they ripped.”

“I’d unpicked half the stitches in the seam. All I had to do was pull hard on the pocket.”

Without warning, Sam slammed Gene back up against the wall again.

“You’re getting a bit repetitive here.”

Sam reached down with his spare hand and ripped Gene’s trousers all the way open.

“Different enough for you, Tyler?”

Sam eased back to stare down at Gene’s lower body, encased in red silk and fishnet stockings. He ran his hand quickly over the front of the knickers causing Gene to slam his head back into the wall.

“Careful with that magnificent head of mine, Tyler.”

“Which one?”

“You sure all you did was clean my house?” Sam continued to run his hands across the silk, molding Gene’s burgeoning erection.

“Ungh… Like I told you, cleaning relaxes me Guv… but other things relax me even more.”

“Thought so.” Sam ran his tongue up the side of Gene’s neck, nipping at his ear. Gene’s head slammed back into the wall again.

“Christ that feels good, Guv. Never liked my ears messed with before.”

“That’s cos I know everything I like and apparently everything my body still likes, whether I’m in it or not.”

Gene pushed Sam back to arms length. “I think this may have all just gotten a little too weird even by my standards.”

Sam stared at Gene. “C’mon Tyler, you know this would be good. If a man could suck his own cock, he’d never leave home.”

Sam went to his knees and mouthed at Gene’s erection through the silk knickers.

Gene moaned and tried to get a good grip on Sam’s head without success. “Maybe you do have a point about my hair being too short Gu… Fuck!”

Sam had wrapped his lips around Gene’s silk covered cock and was biting down slightly.

Sam moved back on his heels a little and reached to adjust himself.

“Your trousers are too bloody tight. You have a single thought in them that would make a nun blush and they cut off your circulation.”

“Well you could undo… ungggh”

Sam had leaned forward again and slipped Gene’s cock free of the silk knickers. As he stroked it, his left hand moved to caress Gene’s balls lightly through the silk. As Gene’s knees buckled, Sam’s mouth moved to engulf the head and his hands moved to slide over Gene’s stocking clad legs. Gene’s hands moved back to cradling Sam’s head, urging him on.

Within a matter of minutes Gene was screaming _Gene’s_ name as he came in Sam’s mouth.

As Sam eased back, Gene sank to the floor facing him.

Gene grinned. “Not much staying power you got there, _Gene_.”

Sam grinned back. “I’m the Gene Genie even when I have to use _your_ equipment, Tyler. HOw could my body resist?” Sam looked down at his lap. “Christ. I seem to have made a mess of your trousers. Never thought I’d come from sucking another man’s cock.”

“Well you were technically sucking your own cock, Guv.”

“True, I am irresistible.”

“… And as you pointed out earlier, that is my body and well...”

They stared at each other for a moment and then Sam nodded.

“Useful to know, Tyler.”

Sam rose to his feet and offered a hand to help Gene up.

“What do we do now, Guv?”

“I’m thinking, Samuel, that it’s way past time to take the piece of advice the scum have been handing me for over twenty years.”

“And what’s that Guv?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

.

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank the fabulous Mikey (mikes_grrl) for allowing me to make use of her characterization of Chris in [It's Just Magic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6064)


End file.
